In my experience—and I am not a psychologist, so the following is purely observational—there are several reasons why people avoid asking for or accepting help. These reasons apply broadly across different contexts, not just in relationships like those between a husband and wife. Here are my observations and understanding:
1. Perceived Competence and Pride: For many, asking for help feels like admitting weakness, incompetence, or ignorance. This is particularly true for individuals who equate their self-worth with their ability to handle challenges independently. Societal pressures, especially on men, often reinforce the idea that strength and self-reliance are paramount, making it harder for them to seek assistance.
2. Cultural Influences: In cultures that emphasize individualism, such as many Western societies, self-sufficiency is often seen as a virtue. This cultural backdrop can make asking for help feel like a failure to meet societal ideals of independence and personal achievement.
3. Fear of Rejection or Judgment: Some people hesitate to ask for help because they fear being judged or rejected. The potential discomfort of receiving a "no" or feeling like they’ve imposed on someone deters them from reaching out, even when help is needed.
4. Fear of Changing Perceptions: People often avoid asking for help from those they know well because they worry it will alter how others perceive them. For example, someone with a reputation for being independent and capable might fear that asking for help could damage that image. Ironically, it can sometimes feel easier to invite a stranger for help, as there’s less risk of long-term judgment.
5. Family and Environmental Conditioning: The environments in which we are raised play a significant role in shaping our openness to seeking or accepting help. Families emphasizing independence, resilience, or self-reliance may discourage asking for support, even unintentionally. Conversely, those who value collaboration and interdependence tend to foster a more open attitude toward seeking help.
6. Perfectionism and Desire for Control: Some individuals struggle to ask for help because they fear it won’t be done “the right way”—their way. Perfectionism, combined with a desire for control, can prevent people from delegating tasks or seeking assistance, even when it would be beneficial.
7. Fear of Reciprocity: There’s often an underlying expectation of reciprocity when asking for help, and some people avoid asking because they fear they’ll owe something in return. This concern can be extreme if they feel they lack the means or ability to repay the favor.
8. Lack of Awareness: Sometimes, people may not realize they need help. They might be so accustomed to struggling independently or handling challenges independently that they fail to recognize that reaching out could save time, energy, or emotional strain.
9. Life Stage: During certain life stages, particularly in adolescence and early adulthood (e.g., teenage years through the late 20s or early 30s), people may avoid asking for help to assert their independence and prove their self-sufficiency. While this tendency often fades with age, it can lead to wasted time and missed opportunities for growth during critical developmental years.
10. Overestimating Their Abilities: Some people avoid asking for help because they overestimate their capacity to handle challenges independently. This overconfidence can result in taking on more than they can manage, leading to unnecessary stress or failure.
11. Past Negative Experiences: If someone has had a negative experience—such as being dismissed or judged when asking for help—they may become reluctant to seek assistance.
12. Social Conditioning Around Gender Roles: Gender norms can also play a role in certain situations. For example, women may hesitate to ask for help in professional settings for fear of being perceived as less competent, while men may avoid it to avoid appearing weak.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized the importance of recognizing when to ask for help. I often avoided it in my 20s and 30s, believing that figuring things out independently would build independence and confidence. While that approach helped me develop problem-solving skills, it also wasted a lot of time in most situations where asking for help could have been more efficient.
The key is learning to strike a balance: understand when it’s worth investing time in building your skills and confidence versus simply asking for help. Knowing when to seek assistance is a sign of maturity and an effective way to save time and energy, allowing you to focus on what truly matters.
This one hits very close to home. Women have been sold a bad lie about how we need to act. I've burned two relationships because I couldn't/wouldn't lean in and be vulnerable. My fits clench till my knuckles go white at the thought sometimes, and yet, at the same time, I can see how irrational and antithetical to being a woman it is. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Encouraging your teams to ask for help and creating a culture where your teams will take time to help their teammates creates high performing teams. We are social creatures so this builds trust and good will among your teams. I always told my teams I was most proud of the fact that we were always willing to take the time to help each other. That message allowed the culture of “help” to flourish and grow. Many times when people are working together, great exploratory conversations take place. I also encouraged my teams to join into conversations they found interesting . I found the learning taking place in these conversations were well worth the lost time from their current task and almost always improved their results.
You were always fantastic for that. In fact, that team I mentioned was the team you had me create and that axiom was based on your mentorship. "The fastest way to fail is to think you can or should do it yourself."
Yes, that was a high performing teaming—especially for being so new to the company. I found many corporate “leaders” never understood how good leadership improved performance and productivity. You provided the leadership and your team excelled even though they were breaking new ground for our department.
It was amazing watching them go and helping them grow. All I did was provide clear direction, energy to overcome barriers and proactive accountability. And they solved problems that teams of senior people failed at for years. It was a fun time.
Hi Michael, thank you for writing this post. The subject of asking for help has come up with me recently, as I have an issue asking for help.
I realized, after reading one of the prior responses, that there is more than one reason why I do not ask for help. At work, it often depends upon the person that is available to help(I am female). There are some men that will not hesitate to assist me, and they do it objectively. They don’t think about why I need help; they simply help because I need help. There are certain men I hesitate to ask for help because they are not objective in their thinking. They think I need help because I am ignorant or completely helpless, as though I am an infant. By asking for help with one thing, they assume I need help with everything.
Reasons that I don’t ask for help outside of work are that I can’t afford to pay a professional to do the thing I need help with; or another person’s idea of helping is not at all what I asked for; or they tell me they are happy to help, but then they are not available to act on their word.
I often would love to have assistance. However, I am most often left to figure it out myself.
Totally understandable. I can also relate from a different position regarding asking for help from different places. It's hard. Sometimes growth is doing it ourselves and sometimes growth is relying on others.
Great insight here! I also belive speaking the truth on this has become taboo and I hate that. We are unique perspectives of the whole, and I will fully admit I struggle to ask for help (maybe I'm more white rapids than babbling brook). I'm glad to be with someone who also recognizes our differences. However, I still feel a little like the lady on the plane - trying to juggle too much, but telling myself that's okay.
I think we all deal with that more than in the past as our culture demands we handle everything in an Instagram perfect way whether it's a sidle hustle, kids or, hell, even writing here on Substack.
In my experience—and I am not a psychologist, so the following is purely observational—there are several reasons why people avoid asking for or accepting help. These reasons apply broadly across different contexts, not just in relationships like those between a husband and wife. Here are my observations and understanding:
1. Perceived Competence and Pride: For many, asking for help feels like admitting weakness, incompetence, or ignorance. This is particularly true for individuals who equate their self-worth with their ability to handle challenges independently. Societal pressures, especially on men, often reinforce the idea that strength and self-reliance are paramount, making it harder for them to seek assistance.
2. Cultural Influences: In cultures that emphasize individualism, such as many Western societies, self-sufficiency is often seen as a virtue. This cultural backdrop can make asking for help feel like a failure to meet societal ideals of independence and personal achievement.
3. Fear of Rejection or Judgment: Some people hesitate to ask for help because they fear being judged or rejected. The potential discomfort of receiving a "no" or feeling like they’ve imposed on someone deters them from reaching out, even when help is needed.
4. Fear of Changing Perceptions: People often avoid asking for help from those they know well because they worry it will alter how others perceive them. For example, someone with a reputation for being independent and capable might fear that asking for help could damage that image. Ironically, it can sometimes feel easier to invite a stranger for help, as there’s less risk of long-term judgment.
5. Family and Environmental Conditioning: The environments in which we are raised play a significant role in shaping our openness to seeking or accepting help. Families emphasizing independence, resilience, or self-reliance may discourage asking for support, even unintentionally. Conversely, those who value collaboration and interdependence tend to foster a more open attitude toward seeking help.
6. Perfectionism and Desire for Control: Some individuals struggle to ask for help because they fear it won’t be done “the right way”—their way. Perfectionism, combined with a desire for control, can prevent people from delegating tasks or seeking assistance, even when it would be beneficial.
7. Fear of Reciprocity: There’s often an underlying expectation of reciprocity when asking for help, and some people avoid asking because they fear they’ll owe something in return. This concern can be extreme if they feel they lack the means or ability to repay the favor.
8. Lack of Awareness: Sometimes, people may not realize they need help. They might be so accustomed to struggling independently or handling challenges independently that they fail to recognize that reaching out could save time, energy, or emotional strain.
9. Life Stage: During certain life stages, particularly in adolescence and early adulthood (e.g., teenage years through the late 20s or early 30s), people may avoid asking for help to assert their independence and prove their self-sufficiency. While this tendency often fades with age, it can lead to wasted time and missed opportunities for growth during critical developmental years.
10. Overestimating Their Abilities: Some people avoid asking for help because they overestimate their capacity to handle challenges independently. This overconfidence can result in taking on more than they can manage, leading to unnecessary stress or failure.
11. Past Negative Experiences: If someone has had a negative experience—such as being dismissed or judged when asking for help—they may become reluctant to seek assistance.
12. Social Conditioning Around Gender Roles: Gender norms can also play a role in certain situations. For example, women may hesitate to ask for help in professional settings for fear of being perceived as less competent, while men may avoid it to avoid appearing weak.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized the importance of recognizing when to ask for help. I often avoided it in my 20s and 30s, believing that figuring things out independently would build independence and confidence. While that approach helped me develop problem-solving skills, it also wasted a lot of time in most situations where asking for help could have been more efficient.
The key is learning to strike a balance: understand when it’s worth investing time in building your skills and confidence versus simply asking for help. Knowing when to seek assistance is a sign of maturity and an effective way to save time and energy, allowing you to focus on what truly matters.
I think we need to coauthor a follow on to this essay if I may borrow this comment as the seed?
Sure.
This one hits very close to home. Women have been sold a bad lie about how we need to act. I've burned two relationships because I couldn't/wouldn't lean in and be vulnerable. My fits clench till my knuckles go white at the thought sometimes, and yet, at the same time, I can see how irrational and antithetical to being a woman it is. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Glad it had an impact. Sometimes I’m not sure how my writing will land but this one seems to be resonating.
Encouraging your teams to ask for help and creating a culture where your teams will take time to help their teammates creates high performing teams. We are social creatures so this builds trust and good will among your teams. I always told my teams I was most proud of the fact that we were always willing to take the time to help each other. That message allowed the culture of “help” to flourish and grow. Many times when people are working together, great exploratory conversations take place. I also encouraged my teams to join into conversations they found interesting . I found the learning taking place in these conversations were well worth the lost time from their current task and almost always improved their results.
You were always fantastic for that. In fact, that team I mentioned was the team you had me create and that axiom was based on your mentorship. "The fastest way to fail is to think you can or should do it yourself."
BINGO !!!
That's why Mennonites and Amish thrive !!!
Yes, that was a high performing teaming—especially for being so new to the company. I found many corporate “leaders” never understood how good leadership improved performance and productivity. You provided the leadership and your team excelled even though they were breaking new ground for our department.
It was amazing watching them go and helping them grow. All I did was provide clear direction, energy to overcome barriers and proactive accountability. And they solved problems that teams of senior people failed at for years. It was a fun time.
Hi Michael, thank you for writing this post. The subject of asking for help has come up with me recently, as I have an issue asking for help.
I realized, after reading one of the prior responses, that there is more than one reason why I do not ask for help. At work, it often depends upon the person that is available to help(I am female). There are some men that will not hesitate to assist me, and they do it objectively. They don’t think about why I need help; they simply help because I need help. There are certain men I hesitate to ask for help because they are not objective in their thinking. They think I need help because I am ignorant or completely helpless, as though I am an infant. By asking for help with one thing, they assume I need help with everything.
Reasons that I don’t ask for help outside of work are that I can’t afford to pay a professional to do the thing I need help with; or another person’s idea of helping is not at all what I asked for; or they tell me they are happy to help, but then they are not available to act on their word.
I often would love to have assistance. However, I am most often left to figure it out myself.
Totally understandable. I can also relate from a different position regarding asking for help from different places. It's hard. Sometimes growth is doing it ourselves and sometimes growth is relying on others.
Great insight here! I also belive speaking the truth on this has become taboo and I hate that. We are unique perspectives of the whole, and I will fully admit I struggle to ask for help (maybe I'm more white rapids than babbling brook). I'm glad to be with someone who also recognizes our differences. However, I still feel a little like the lady on the plane - trying to juggle too much, but telling myself that's okay.
I think we all deal with that more than in the past as our culture demands we handle everything in an Instagram perfect way whether it's a sidle hustle, kids or, hell, even writing here on Substack.